So the other day someone’s tweet reminded me of the crazy/brilliant Prince (or the artist formerly named after a dog) soundtrack to one of the Batman films. The video above. Watching it fired some dormant synapses in my brain and unearthed a memory from my childhood that I had long suppressed.

As Mark Twain said, never trust anyone who enjoyed their childhood. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in my happy place during the last twenty years of the twentieth century, but I digress…

So, the memory. Many, many moons ago in the late nineteen hundred and eighties there was a hindi film I was taken to watch in a cinema hall and then since it was such a great picture that all the grown ups loved so much I was taken to watch it in a cinema hall again.

The film was called HUM and it starred among others, Amitabh Bachan, Govinda and my personal gold-standard of pure, unadulterated manhood, Rajneekanth. For those of you not familiar with the pop culture of this subcontinent think about Steven Seagall and Chuck Norris meeting and making sweet, sweet man-love. Now stop screaming and  retching and think of their love child. Multiply this love child by one hundred with a level bonus for coolness and you have South Indian Demi-God, Rajneekanth.

So normally Hindi film-makers copy songs but in this case they were like “Fuck it! Why copy a popular song when we can just play it on a jukebox and have Govinda and Rajneekanth beat the fucking Bejesus outta some bad guy to the beat?” and then they all gave each other high-fives and shot this video.

What you end up with is a fucking #EPICWIN for entertainment even though it is a #FAIL for originality. Please watch the clip and try not to hurt yourself from laughing too hard. Also because I love you I have scoured the internets and found a version with English subtitles because it has been scientifically proven:

Crap Hindi Film + Ludicrous English subtitles by someone who seems to have little understanding of either language =  DOUBLE THE FUNNY!

So, watch the original video above first and then brace yourself and click play on the hindi video below. Watch for:

1> Govinda and Rajneekanth holding hands and dancing while thrusting hips homoerotically at each other.

2> Totally not fake or pasted on looking moustache on bad guy.

3> Rajneekanth giving us the first clue of the impending ass-whooping the baddie is about to receive by saying to Govinda “SHOW THEM THE PROWESS”

Enjoy! You can thank me later….

Films, Random, Rants #EPICWIN, #FAIL, Amitabh Bachan, Batman, Chuck Norris, douchebag, Govinda, HUM, Mark Twain, Prince, Rajneekanth, Steven Seagall

So summer is here again. How do I know? Because I am constantly tired and sleepy and grouchy. Why am I like this? Oh I’ll tell you why.

Because I live in the backwater of a third world country run by politicians who are corrupt sons-of-bitches who will not make any infrastructure investments unless they bear fruit within the time frame that these douchebags will stay in office i.e. a couple of years, five at best. What they will do is spend crores and crores of tax payer money on destroying forests and constructing huge, hagiolatry parks with ugly ass statues of themselves.

The huge statue of this particular stoop-shouldered ugly-ass bitch now stands covered in blue tarp because our toothless and frankly quite gutless Supreme court finally found its testicles and succeeded in putting a leash on her and making her stop the construction. So the park, the huge Dalit monument and the statues themselves just stand there, in limbo, an eyesore, a criminal waste of time, effort, money and a reminder of the pointless destruction of literally thousands of trees, a pretty jogging track, a park for kids and valuable and scarce green cover that the area could ill afford to lose.

So, coming back to the upshot of all this. Every year the onset of summer is heralded by rolling power cuts for hours and hours. Last summer just to fuck with us, the powers that be (UPSEB) thought that it would be insanely funny to regularly cut the power at 7 AM each morning!

This summer the wankers at UPSEB have gone back to their tried and tested modus operandi of cutting the power at about 1 AM each night, just the time that you have really gotten into some deep sleep. So, by about 2 or 3 AM your backup power source (the inverter) has run out of juice and died in a plaintive high pitched eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! wail that signifies ‘Low Battery’. But this wailing does not wake you up, oh no! You have already been tossing and turning for half an hour in bed covered with sweat and mosquito bites as the steadily decreasing voltage from the inverter has made your ceiling fan’s blades whirl around slower and slower and made the gaang! gaaaanng! gaaaaaaaaaaang! gaaaaaaaaaaaaanngggg! sound successively more and more irritating until the blades have just given up on trying to stir up the molasses of warm, humid air in your room and have crawled to a halt with a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! sound to inform you that they really are trying to move but just like Star Trek “They don’t have the powerrrrrrrr!”

So, you have gotten out of bed and turned off the fan but the inverter dies anyway and after lying in bed and listening to it for what seems like an hour you finally go “Fuck this shit!” and toss off what little of the covers you haven’t already kicked off and go and try to start the generator. So you perform the little routine that you can do in your sleep now.

Move the fuel switch from ‘off’ to ‘start’ position.

Turn the choke on.

Grab the pull cord and heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeavvve!

Nothing.

Repeat about 15 times until you have got your heart rate up and have a good, steady stream of curse words going under you breath.

Catch your breath. Stop wheezing.

Repeat about 10 more times.

Slap your forehead and check the kerosene tank. Full.

Check the Petrol tank. Empty.

(Let me clarify here that the world renowned engine boffins from Honda Motor Company in their infinite wisdom designed this petrol tank to hold at least a few litres of fuel. Good for a month of starts at least. But they also designed it in a way that let all petrol in it evaporate within a few hours of the tank being filled.)

The result is that I now have to go get a torch, find the Coke bottle full of petrol we keep somewhere, fill the tank just enough to get the generator started this time while taking care not to drop too much of it on myself so that if the shit does hit the fan I don’t scream and burn for too long.

Done.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeavve another few times.

Result!

The generator coughs and splutters to life and covers me with sooty black smoke full of unburnt hydrocarbons.

Turn the choke off.

Switch the fuel tap from ‘Petrol’ to ‘Kerosene’ while trying to inhale as few carcinogens as possible.

(This generator starts on petrol but runs on kerosene for reasons that I am too stupid or lazy to comprehend, especially at 4 AM)

We have power.

I walk back to my room closing all the doors between me and the generator to muffle the godawful racket.

Switch the fan back on.

Peel the moist sheets off the bed. Mosquitos on the wall. Swat the blood-fattened little bastards, fall into bed and try to relax and get some sleep.

Almost as soon as I finally fall asleep the alarm rings to signify the all-too-soon arrival of a new day.

Mother.                                  Fucker.

Random, Rants BSP, douchebag, Electricity, Honda, Star Trek, Statues, Supreme Court

A slight fuck up on my part as this domain name expired left visitors to this site looking at ads for penis enlargement etc (“Yaay! Improvement!” you say) Anyway, trying to fix the problem ended up with me having to pay both my hosting provider and my domain registrar for the domain coz one of them was being a difficult douchebag. I’m not bitter or anything but lets just say Santa is gonna be taking a dump this Christmas in the stockings of a certain person from a company “India Internets” (I know, what an original name, right?)

Moral of the story: Always buy your domain and your hosting from the same company. It shall save you money and yelling into the phone while you pull out your hair.

Anyway, normal programming resumes now. If you were one of the people who would rather look at penis enlargement ads click here. If you are reading this and thinking “Wait. What? You were gone for a while?” Eff you too.

Random, Tech douchebag, India Internets

So, a few days back the Delhi High Court sort of revoked Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. (it makes sodomy a crime, along with bestiality) And just my luck that I find myself in a new city, sitting in some old geezer’s house as the news channels whip themselves into a frenzy about how this will lead to people running amok in the streets, buggering anyone caught bending (Bad pun, I know)

So, the old geezer is one of those religious farts and he starts right off with his mini-polemic about how sodomy is a Sin and Unnatural according to the Bible and how the Delhi High Court has in one fell swoop, legalised bestiality too, the fools!

He carries on about the Pope (creepy picture above) and the Queen of England being the head of the church and both of them saying that this is deviant, unnatural behaviour (bestiality and sodomy) and he goes on and on and on….

Read more…

Rants Article 377 IPC, Church, Delhi High Court, douchebag, Gay People In India, Jesus, Pope Benedict XVI

Sorry for the bad grammar. But thats it. I can’t take it anymore. No more Times of India. I’m not paying a hundred bucks a month to look at a main paper that is filled with nothing but redundant, syndicated stories from the AP or Reuters and full-page, government adverts about what a great job it is doing and a supplement (Delhi Times) that is filled with bad pictures of wannabes and has-beens, only there for the free booze, at parties that are so lame that they have to pay for coverage. I mean seriously who are all these fuckers? Are we shipping them in from somewhere in trucks or something?

And the government adverts in the main paper? Sonia Gandhi, Shiela Dixit or some other cowherd-looking ‘government servant’ grinning at me idiotically from every second page and our ‘Health Minister’ Ramadoss-something-or-the-other’s mug on every third page. It makes my blood boil.

As a Delhiite, I harbour a particularly deep seated and vicious loathing for Dixit (Is she still Delhi’s CM?) Every time I’m stuck on the stretch of road with the fucking BRT corridor on it I curse her and the IIT dudes responsible for this mess in language that would make a sailor blush. I do it loudly, with the windows down. People nod and cheer.

And Ramadoss. Jesus, what is this dude’s fucking problem anyways? Why is he so desperate to get his mug in the papers and on television everyday? Will someone just give him a two bit role in a South Indian film and let him get it outta his system? First he fucks with AIIMS, then he wants to outlaw smoking, now he wants to outlaw alcohol. Let me just say this to him.

THE COMMON PEOPLE NEED THEIR VICES MR. HEALTH MINISTER. IT’S THE ONLY THING KEEPING US FROM RUNNING WILD IN THE STREETS AND LYNCHING GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.

That goes double for Dixit and the Gandhis. And you politicians know where you can stick those adverts too.

So anyways, no more Times of India. It pisses me off too much nowadays (as you can see). Between The Indian Express and The Hindustan Times I think I’m killing enough trees as it is. The news is filled with stories of how print newspapers are dying. I say it can’t happen fast enough.

Random, Rants AP, BRT, BRT corridor, Delhi, Delhi CM, douchebag, gandhi, Hindustan Times, Indian Health Minister, Ramadoss, Ramadoss vs. AIIMS, Reuters, Shiela Dixit, Sonia Gandhi, The Indian Express, The Times Of India

So, out of all the films I watched this week, the funniest and most entertaining by far was the hugely sacrilegious comedy/documentary ‘Religulous’. It’s been directed by Larry Charles, the director of ‘Borat’ and a writer on ‘Seinfeld’ and written and presented by comedian and social critic Bill Maher who’s best endorsement (for me) comes in the form of a report on Anti-Catholicism which claimed that, following the 2002 clergy sex abuse scandal, “no one insulted Catholics more than Bill Maher”. Brilliant!

Whatever you views on religion are, you really have to watch this film. It’s funny as hell. (Though if you’re the type that believes in the immaculate conception or armies of monkey-men you’d better have a thick skin)

Bill Maher (who also presents the film) totally rips into organised religion of all kinds, the film is brilliantly edited for maximum effect and is full of scathing one liners that will make you laugh out loud. Here’s the trailer:

Read more…

Films Bill Maher, Borat, Catholic Church, douchebag, Larry Charles, PeTA, Pope Benedict XVI, Religulous, Seinfeld

Recently a blogger, Chyetanya Kunte posted this retraction on his blog, an apology for an earlier post where he totally trashed NDTV and Barkha Dutt in particular for their coverage of the Mumbai blasts. NDTV obviously threatened to sue the poor bastard which shows the new depths this once venerable network has sunk to.

My own thoughts about the massacre in Mumbai and Ms. Dutt’s coverage can be seen here and here. Basically, a very large part of the infuriating, stomach-turning experience of watching the terrorist attacks in Mumbai last year was the ‘journalist’ seen here with some BS award.

To put it very mildly Ms. Dutt and NDTV, sucked! Big-time. But then, the channel that I once had a lot of respect for has made it’s full-time job sucking for the past few years. But this is a new low.

Is NDTV so thick that it tries to sue a blogger? Do these stupid twats understand anything about freedom of speech? Personal opinion? How the internet works? Honestly. You can never, ever make someone take down a posting on the internet because once it is online it is in the wild, it will be around forever, even if the original poster takes it down.

As for the apology from Mr. Kunte let me just say this to the folks at NDTV. Your channel and news coverage sucked. Barkha Dutt sucked even harder. You idiots want to sue everyone who thinks so? There are thousands of people on Facebook in a group called ‘Make Barkha Shut the Fuck Up!” (Or some such shit to that effect) One of the more popular search terms people use to find this blog is (and I kid you not) ‘BARKHA DUTT BITCH’.

Get your head out of your asses NDTV. If it looks like shit, smells like shit and tastes like shit it probably is shit. You guys had a respectable channel. But somewhere along the way egos, ratings, political agendas and advertising money made you join in the race with every other news channel in a downward spiral into the lowest common denominator sort of news and guess what? You’ve won the race. There is no respect for you within the industry. Even normal household viewers who are essentially opinion-less sheep that you have dumbed down with Bullshit news about kids stuck in gutters and the US election now realise that the ‘news’ you air is essentially content-free filler between the ad breaks.

Read the full story for Mr. Kunte’s apology and the original post he wrote after the mumbai massacre.

Read more…

Rants barkha dutt, douchebag, mumbai, mumbai blasts, mumbai terror attacks, NDTV, NDTV vs Blogger

Doesn’t it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside to know that in these hard, credit crunch ridden times there are still douchebags out there with waaay more money than sense?

Random douchebag, Lamborghini

In today’s Times of India. This dude in particular and the Gandhi clan in general really need to get their head out of their collective behind. Telling design students to get into politics?

I’m surprised the students didn’t laugh his ass outta there.

Random, Rants douchebag, gandhi, National Institute of Design, NID, Rahul Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi at NID, Rahul Gandhi visits NID, The Times Of India

1. Auto Rickshaws or three-wheeled tempos at their top speed of 40 kmph, spewing fumes in the right lane.

2. Person/Persons honking incessantly while in gridlocked traffic.

3. Person/Persons with car that is obviously faster than mine, driving at 40 kmph in front of me. The pedal on the right makes you go faster douchebag. Fucking use it!

4. Call centre cabs weaving through traffic. Actually any white MPV with yellow plates.

5. Person riding a two-wheeler, cutting me off in traffic while reading a fucking SMS on his cellular phone.

Fives, Rants Auto Rickshaws, Call centre cabs, Delhi Traffic, douchebag