A friend recently revealed that she writes some pretty risqué prose that she would rather not be revealed as the author of. (So we shall just call her ‘Emm‘)

She has allowed me to post one of the more sober pieces that she wrote (which is still pretty racy and may cause some dryness of the mouth in anyone who reads it)

It also reminded of the equally hot song above. This is Use Me by Bill Withers. Fiona Apple did a cover of it that was perhaps even better than the original here but more on that some other time.

Get the MP3 for the song here. Hat-tip to ‘Emm‘, your talents never cease to surprise..

Feeler in Dreams.

There was life and it grew though the mold in the carpet.

The air in the tiny one room apartment hung heavy, reeking of musk and stale cigarette smoke that gathered around the cobwebs forming clouds. Tiny beams of sunlight that fluttered through thick, light retrenching curtains were a stage for dust particles to do their shimmy.

In spite of the revelry of gloom, she slept open-eyed, staring at the ceiling that was peeling away like her mind.

The bathrobe was worn so much it became her skin. Stripping it away meant peeling away her skin. Eventually, it meant death. She was a figure of doom that was rife and waiting to burst. The bed was her stagnant pond, she the algae. Floating silently, not wanting to reach shore, instead exist lifelessly through just breathing. She licked her dry lips like a serpent and swallowed her saliva and lit cigarettes.

She existed but only in space.

She waited for sleep, where the clown visited her with his cherub like face, painted in colours myriad. He changed his costumes to suit her fantasies and sometimes his soft elbows were cased in silk shirts like concierges. The services he offered to her were those of amusement, shock, anger and bitterness.

The choice was unlimited, like the colours on his face.

As sleep cajoled her today, he came to visit with boots and cape. He told her he liked how she smelled. Maybe it was vanilla, a flavour of ice cream she loved as a child. He then asked if he could hold her. Today the passion was not there, as it was occupied by surprise. She allowed, was weary and fell asleep. He then slowly started to pleasure her. He touched her boy chest and felt the ribs that knocked on the skin so sharp. He trailed his soft chubby hands over to her crab shell rib cage, which beckoned to rude hips. Then he felt her moist insides and touched them very gently. She woke up and didn’t want him to play the feeler in dreams today.

She protested, her struggle was soft against him, almost whimpering. He rocked her like a baby and let her wake up.

Absolutely brilliant execution. Shame about the concept.

I caught a glimpse of this on television a few days back and was intrigued. I saw the full ad film today and I groaned.

Ironman meets the Transformers in a Nike ad? Why are the motorcycles playing basket-ball? Hasn’t ‘machines come to life when the guard isn’t looking’ been done to death? Did one of the bikes do the fucking moonwalk?

Have I been transported back to nineteen hundred and nintey two?

P.S. While on the subject of time travel, I just started reading H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine and it is freakin’ amazing, like most books that I read totally fuck-all abridged versions of when I was in school as part of the curriculum. No wonder kids don’t read.

Now, I don’t open a new web page with my coffee in the morning, I open a session. Thats right. About 25 tabs in all, which I flit between and use the Cmd+Shift+Click shortcut many, many times to ‘Open New Tab in Background’ so by the time I’m halfway through my coffee, I’ve got about fifty tabs open. So what does this have to do with my reading habits? Lots. Tabbed browsing has reduced my attention span to a few seconds, a minute at best. It’s pathetic really.

As a child and a young adult (hate the term) I would regularly read at least five books a month. I’m not boasting, other kids my age were getting to second base while I was reading Alistair MacLean’s Ice Station Zebra for the third time. <hangs head> Its true..

Nowadays I have a really hard time even getting through a leaflet or those BS little ‘Nutritional Facts’ tables on the back of bags of chips. I don’t need a table to tell me what the nutritional value of a bag of artificially coloured, artificially flavoured chips is! ZERO! That’s the nutritional value!

Anyways I just went off on a tangent there as I am wont to do these days but that just illustrates the point I am trying to make.

So. Quickly. Before someone jangles a set of keys in front of me and I go all “Oooh! Shineee!”

My Attention Span: Fucked.

AudioBooks though: Good.

Somehow the only way I can really ‘read’ now is with an audiobook. It takes a bit of getting used to and it has it’s drawbacks but when your back starts hurting just as you get to chapter two its time to give an audiobook a try.

So. Here’s a list of four great audiobooks (with links) that I’ve just finished ‘reading’, am almost through or have just started. I can’t even read a book at time now. I have to be reading at least two. But I digress…

Dogbert’s Top Secret Management Handbook

Dilbert creator, Scott Adams’ hysterically funny management book. Even if you are like me and love the Dibert comic strip but hate the animated television show you will like this book. Scratch that, You’ll love it. Click the image for the MP3.

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

I had never heard of this David Sedaris until a close friend who was also my room-mate at college for two years told me that he was reading this book and the author reminded him of me. So I got the book and started reading/listening to it and felt really pleased with myself as I noted the author’s understated and extremely dry sense of humour. Imagine my horror then, when I slowly realised that David Sedaris was/is GAY. Yeah. Thanks a TON Ashutosh Kar.

Anyway. A collection of short stories. Read by the author in a deadpan voice that just adds to the brilliance of the book. Click the image for a torrent link. I know it isn’t as easy as downloading an MP3 but this is 2009, so get with the program son!

I Am America (And So Can You!)

Stephen Colbert is most famous for his show ‘The Cobert Report‘ which I find as funny as a poke in the eye but this book shows he does actually have some talent. Despite the delivery the type of humour is quite like David Sedaris’. Click the image for a torrent link.

An American Addiction: Drugs, Guerillas, and Counterinsurgency in US Intervention in Colombia

In one sentence: The government is running the drug trade.

Noam Chomsky, world renowned political thinker, philosopher, activist and author everyone ought to read OR anti-war, anti-US, pinko nut-job. Depends on which side you lean towards.

Click the image for a torrent link.

Happy reading/listening!

A recent conversation about a Panopticon (wiki page here) led to a 4 A.M. urge to listen to Eye in the Sky, the 1982 hit single from British prog-rock group The Alan Parsons Project. The Orwellian sounding song was inspired by George Orwell’s book 1984 and front man Alan Parsons’ fascination with CCTV cameras. He ought to be thrilled with the current state of the Britian where (according to the BBC) there are over 4.2 million CCTV cameras or one for every 14 people. Geez. Do it to Julia!

P.S. Alan Parsons was the sound engineer on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. How is that for a claim to fame?

Get the MP3 Here

When I say ‘the world’ I’m not talking about ‘The Creationists’, people who think Mr. Darwin’s supremely logical explanations are all BS and live in the belief that God put Dinosaur fossils in the the earth to fool human beings and that dinosaurs and humans walked the earth at the same time.

I am not kidding. People actually believe this to be true. Creationists have successfully campaigned against the Theory of Evolution and now Creationism is taught to children in many schools! Still, they are really upset that the Theory of Evolution is still taught in most schools and ignorant dolts like me grew up believing this bile.  

To appease them, in these troubling times of reason I have posted this picture that I found on the internet. Click on the image to see similar images from Google Search. Enjoy! 

I also recommend two excellent books….

The first one is ‘The Portable Atheist’ by Christopher Hitchens. Quite vehement and best read in small doses.

The second one is Charles Darwin’s original, ‘On the Origin of Species‘, the audio book of which I am barely a forth of the way through. You really have to be paying attention to get through this one. 

Happy reading. One day we shall all evolve and religion will be a distant memory that makes us very embarrassed at how ignorant we were. Kind of like how we feel nowadays when think about the time we believed the earth was flat.

A lot of papers have called the Satyam scandal India’s Enron (just like they called 26/11 India’s 9/11, really? Do we really need  the validation that badly?)

So it is interesting to watch the documentary about the huge original scandal at Enron that I watched on new year’s eve this year. (No really. Long story about trying to balance out last new year’s eve which involved telling my boss ‘I quit’, flying to Goa to try to save a doomed relationship, getting wasted, swimming out to sea, twice and a whole lot of generally very out-of-character behaviour.) 

Back to the film. It’s all on Google Video (which has become a great source for PBS documentaries) and it’s called ‘ENRON: The Smartest Guys In The Room’. It’s about Enron’s rise and fall, the web of dummy companies that were set up, the dirty dealings, the creative accounting, the crazy schemes and best of all it has a lot of actual recordings, audio and video, of Enron Management making shady deals and Enron traders openly screwing over the American public so they could make a quick buck.

Once again, one of the Big Five accounting firms, Arthur Andersen was involved and despite clear, well documented malpractices and sheer criminal activity like shredding documents relating to Enron’s accounts, the audit firm has (from what I understand) got away scot free after their felony conviction was reversed because of a mistrial due to some technicality. Crap.

In one of my favourite books ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide’, one of the lead characters, Ford Prefect remarks

‘They’ve re-introduced the Death Penalty for the CEO’s of insurance companies.’

To which Arthur Dent says ‘For what crime?’

Prefect replies

‘What do you mean for what crime?’

Priceless.

On the front page of ‘The Times Of India’ today were many articles about India’s ongoing war of words with Pakistan about the terror attacks in Mumbai but one little sub-article made me laugh until coffee came outta my nose. 

Here’s the text:

Indian dossier credible: Mulford

    A day after authorities in Pakistan rubbished India’s dossier linking Pakistani nationals with the Mumbai attacks, US ambassador to India David C Mulford said the evidence provided to Islamabad by New Delhi was ‘‘credible’’. Mulford told TOI on Wednesday that the dossier had been prepared with help from the FBI. “The US is not in the business of compiling evidence that is not credible,” he said when asked about Pakistan dismissing it.

The US isn’t in the business of compiling evidence that is not credible? Are you fucking kidding me? Does anyone remember the ongoing War in Iraq? Does anyone remember that they never found any WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction,nukes) in the country? None. Not a single one. Zilch. Zip. Nada. (Proof of nukes was the US’s reason for invading Iraq.)  

And the US now admits it fucked up. I still remember watching the press conference a few years back where then CIA chief George Tenet said that the US had ‘SLAM DUNK EVIDENCE’ that Iraq had WMDs.

SLAM. DUNK. EVIDENCE. Repeat those three words aloud to yourself. This is the Chief of the most important, most powerful intelligence agency of the most powerful country in the world. An agency that has shaped world events either openly or behind the scenes like no other.

(For a complete, blow by blow account of the CIA’s history, read ‘Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA’ by  Tim Weiner.)

If one douchebag talking like a teenage frat boy wasn’t bad enough, Vice-President Dick Cheney later appeared on television and repeated the moronic statement twice while defending the US’s decision to go to war with Iraq.   

In his defence George Tenet later wrote a book ‘At the Center of the Storm’ in which he was self critical about the statement and also admitted that those were the dumbest  three words to ever come out of a person’s mouth.

All I can say to the US ambassador to India, David Mulford, is this:

HEY MR. US AMBASSADOR! SLAM DUNK THIS!

I recently read Animal Farm again. Actually I listened to it as an audio book, which I am really beginning to like. I am so done with paper books now. I lose my page, people borrow them and make dog ears in them or worse still don’t return them. Once I am done with them they sit around and collect dust and since I am a secret pack rat at heart I never throw or give them away and now I have tons of them. Also I am growing old now and sitting in the same position for hours on end nowadays leaves me sore. My ass goes to sleep and my feet get the tingles. (Man, I sound antediluvian)

But, as usual, I’m going off on a tangent here. So. Lets turn this car around (Which is a brilliant Tom Petty song from his 2006 album ‘Highway Companion’)

Animal Farm. The more I read this book the more parallels I find between it and Orwell’s Magnum Opus, 1984.

You can read it as a simple story, a fairy tale about animals that overthrow their human overlords and run a farm themselves or, if you are paying attention, as a scathing criticism of every aspect of communism.

Orwell creates parallels in his make-believe animal farm to every aspect of this political theory and he rips apart every facet of it. From the idealistic beginnings to the dreams of equality and division of labour. Animal Farm has propaganda and brain washing (squealer, the pig), the mindless proles (the sheep), the leader’s junta (Napoleon’s  dogs) and even the church and a Moses figure in the form of the raven promising everyone an after life in Sugar Candy Mountain.

The animals’ dreams of equality are quickly dashed when power gets concentrated with the pigs who soon make a pact with the recently overthrown humans to reign over the rest of the animals.

The  book also has one of the most memorable last lines which stuck in my mind since I first read it. ”The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”

It reminds me of  Abraham Lincoln’s famous quote. ”Nearly all men can stand the test of adversity, but if you really want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

Why are we cool with paying a hundred bucks for a cup of coffee at Costa when a few years back half that amount was considered a lot? How do we decide how many years we are willing to pay back a loan on a car? What about a loan on a college education?

It’s quite interesting and makes you really think about how you decide to spend your money, what you spend it on and what that says about you and your priorities, which is probably a good thing in these confusing times.

It’s not a recession. Oh wait, maybe it is.

Hooray for Capitalism!

Right up to the time it goes down the toilet.

This is a follow-up to my previous post. Bombay. How I loved you.

Lets start with the ‘media industry’. A lot of people raised a huge stink about Barkha Dutt’s grating coverage of the events and the huge cock-up about whether the hostage situation at Nariman House was over or not. There is even a group on Facebook called ‘Get Barkha off air’ or some such crap.

Please. Get Barkha off air? She may look like a dog, sound like nails on a chalkboard and ask the most inane questions but people who say that she used to be great but has sold out, ought to get a clue. Also, part of essential reading for all students of journalism and mass communication, especially all the wannabe Barkha Dutts doing piece-to-cameras for news channels ought to be this book.

Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media – Noam Chomsky

Newspapers are hardly any better. My paper of choice is ‘The Times of India’ which has always been like toilet paper but worse. (At least toilet paper is honest about what it is). It has been  a couple of weeks and ToI has done its bit by covering the clueless fashion frat lighting candles at Jantar-Mantar in Delhi and some self-important dweebs in Mumbai fighting with the cops for their right to demonstrate at the Gateway of India.

So ToI has gone back to its regular drivel. Yesterday there was a full page picture of some old douche-bag with an expensive hair-cut astride a Triumph Rocket. Though, to put that into perspective TOI is part of Bennett and Coleman, the company that brought you the epitome of a double-think, mind-fuck: The Advertorial

Some thoughts about the politicians.

1. Narendra Modi grand standing in front of the Oberoi. – Why didn’t we trade that murdering rat-bastard to the terrorists for some hostages?

2. Priyanka Gandhi telling the press that her mother, Indira Gandhi would have handled the hostage situation better. -  Please, just get over yourself and your clan. All of you.

3. Raj Thackeray and the Thackeray ilk in general skulking furtively during the whole episode – Why can’t you Thackerays be like this all the time?

4. Manmohan Singh’s speech. – Mr Singh. You disappoint me.

Another Facebook group that I have been invited to join (and have also ignored) is one called ‘Dedicate your profile picture to the Indian flag’. There are a myriad reasons why I think the idea is repulsive, jingoistic BS but a friend of mine has described her feelings about our national flag and national anthem better than I ever could. Read Namrata Siviya here.

So. Facebook groups, candles at the Jantar Mantar, demonstrations at the Gateway of India, this is the best the middle and upper classes can do (besides writing self important blog posts like the one you are reading.)

There is one part of me that hopes Delhi’s notoriously thuggish cops lathi-charge the pompous twats at the Jantar-Mantar and Mumbai’s cops push the demonstrators at the Gateway into the Arabian Sea (It can’t possibly get murkier can it ?)

But then, what is the proper response? How do normal people express their outrage at the events? How about a dignified silence? Would that be better? Would it be more respectful to every single person who died an utterly pointless death? (Including the terrorists)

I was at a concert a few days after the attacks and before it started everyone stood up and observed a minute’s silence for the people who had died. I may be very wrong but that respectful silence seemed like a much better idea than anything else I have seen in the weeks since.

So I am a huge hypocrite. I love my dogs, hate people being cruel to animals and once shot a film about snakes and how misunderstood they are but I have eaten monkey brain soup.

But you know who’s ‘Animal Rights Activism’ makes me seem like the freakin’ Pope? (Not the current one that looks like a thug and says all the gays are going to hell, though)

PeTA. Thats right. Fucked up capitalisation that all the cool kids love, PeTA.

Where do I begin? In Mumbai a few years ago I called them on a Sunday and found out that their animal emergency help-line only works on weekdays, during business hours but I could press #3 and speak with a PR person. (PR emergencies must be very common in the city then)

But if there’s been an animal emergency, say a dog has been run over on the street or a bird flew into a wire, tough titties.

But what really gets my goat is their publicity. Yes, the world really needs one more why-is-she-even-famous, skank getting naked ‘for the cause’

Featured above is Eva Mendes, who was/is something of movie star. Below is the same Eva Mendes at some ‘event’.

Can you say doublespeak?

furisdead.com Yeah right. How about mycareerisdead.com ?

And she isn’t the only one, by far. Just do a Google image search for PeTA and see what comes up. Better still just click here.

In the meantime, I’m gonna go read ‘Fast Food Nation’ while eating a large, juicy, pepperoni pizza.

P.S. All new posts will be in this, slightly darker font that is easier on the eyes.

1. The God Of Small Things – Arundhati Roy

2. 1984 – George Orwell

3. Psmith In The City – PG Wodehouse

4. The Ultimate Hitchiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – Douglas Adams

5. Ice Station Zebra – Alistair Maclean